life stories

the center of the universe is the brain

Not Dead Yet

Mom is not doing well. Following hospitalization for internal bleeding, she transferred to the nursing home and has been there for about a week. Physically she appears to be fine. Her intellect is intact. Her memory is sharp. But she insists she’s dying.

If that’s what she wants, there’s nothing anyone can do for her. I doubt she ever got over Dad’s death or any previous loss. When she fell and broke her hip, her body betrayed her so how is she supposed to live in it? That’s probably simplifying the situation but it’s an understandable response. She took great care of her body with daily exercise and proper eating. How dare it turn on her like this?

I’ve been depressed since I came home. I expected to snap back and was concerned about bouts of mania. Not even a speck. I can’t concentrate and feel creatively dead. I have a desperate need to cry and have managed to force out a few tears today but a true cry is not within my reach.

Beyond depression, I’m really angry with Mom. She’s always been so stubborn and obnoxiously self-sufficient. Now she’s just giving up and being selfish. She won’t do anything to help herself and she resents everyone who is trying to care for her.

There’s nothing joyous about getting old unless you make it so. That may be true for every moment of every day.

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One thought on “Not Dead Yet

  1. Thank you for journaling these difficult times. I’m sure many are going through similar situations with the rampant spread of cancer. My sister writes a blog of hope. Maybe you can find some words of encouragement there. Although her last blog http://wendyharpham.typepad.com/healthy_survivorship/2009/02/children-take-caregiver-role.html

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